Farewell and Thank You - Santa Barbara and Company!

I have so much to be grateful for.

I want to say "Thank You!" to the people who helped me in so many different ways during my most recent "tour" in Santa Barbara as well as my preparations for Stage III of my cross-country cycling adventure:

Thanks to Johnny and Kelly for allowing me to stay with them when I first got to town. I had met Johnny at the 2012 SOL Food Festival while he was promoting the Santa Barbara Time Bank. When I was looking for hosts upon my return, he and Kelly were the first to step up. I am grateful for their ongoing friendship and support, for their introducing me to more of their friends in the community including the Fishbon Artists Collective and especially for Kelly's great food during my stay with them as well as in preparation for my going away party.

Thanks to Karen for allowing me to stay with her and to commute to work with her while I was on my temporary assignment at the City of Goleta. In addition, she passed down a couple of pairs of pants that I really needed, both of which have become important parts of clothing I am carrying with me on this trip.

Thanks to Andrea and Mercio for helping me move my things for my temporary stay with my "host" Christie in Goleta, and Thanks to Christie for offering to let me stay with him and for being a sensitive and communicative companion for my last couple of weeks in Santa Barbara.

Thanks to all of the folks at Bici Centro and the Santa Barbara Bike Coalition - for all the hard work they are doing to increase bicycle infrastructure and optimal bicycle use for the South Coast region, and for letting me use the front room for my going away party, as well as helping me with last-minute bicycle maintenance and repair, and financial support. (Thanks especially to Matt Dobberteen for his generous donation to both the building purchase and my travel fund!)

Thanks to all of my friends - and "representatives" of the various circles of which I have become a part in Santa Barbara - Jay from the Conscious Creators (and other) Meet-up group(s); Dave, Veselina, and Marge from the Love Grid; Mike from Community-Planet Savvy Investors of Santa Barbara; Bob and Jacky (and her husband Michael) from Woodland Toastmasters, Winston, Ernie and Tamarah from my days "working the streets" as an "Intellectual Busker", Bob from The Santa Barbara Time Bank for his support and photo contributions, and Alicia and Rob from Fishbon and the Fishbon Storyteller's Cell. Thanks to all of you for your friendship and support and for coming to see me off, and for your contributions to my travel fund!

And to my other friends who have offered their support in various ways: Dr. Joe (Migliore) and Jackie for keeping my neck straight and for emotional/moral support, to Kenji and Martin of Santa Barbara Japan Photography Group for letting me hang-out with them while they take (really great) pictures (!), Eleanor for letting me store some of my stuff in her storage unit, Ed for the honey (a long time ago :) ) and for the bag of home-dried fruit to take on my journey, John for hooking me up with a new pair of sturdy tires for a very reasonable price as well as connecting me with Channing at Old Man Mountain Racks to get my rear rack repaired, to Lori and Kent at Traffic Solutions for the REI Discount Coupon so I could save a little on my replacement micro-fiber towel, and for many of the folks at the City of Goleta and FCP, Inc. who became more like friends while I was working temporary assignments at their offices.

(I'll also add a "Thank You..." to the recent employer who hired me and then let me go with my first week and another week's severance pay, as that was all the money and incentive I needed to get myself back on the road!!...More on that in a post to follow.)

And Thanks to Anders Johnson for his ongoing friendship and support, the frequent pleasure of his company and intellectual discussions, and for the beauty of his art-work that is graciously installed all over Santa Barbara and beyond!

And finally, I want to say "Thank You!" to everyone at the Nuclear Age Peace Foundation including their Peace Leadership Director and author Paul K. Chappell for the many, many years of hard work they have invested in making the world a safer and more peaceful place for All Living Beings - and for All of Our individual and collective efforts to build better relationships and better communities. I appreciate being able to Do What I CAN Do to help them in their efforts, and, in my case, that means riding my bicycle cross-country spreading their message of hope backed up with clear, persevering, and strategic action (such as the recent lawsuits filed by the Marshall Islands).

As I have explained to people over and over again, I have felt a special, Dynamic Quality and "resonance" with the place and the people of Santa Barbara, and it has not been easy saying "Farewell" again, especially without knowing how long it might be before I will be able to return. But, in the immortal words of Arnold Schwarzenegger: "I'll be back!"

...And in the mean time, I will keep you all posted as best I can while my ongoing journey unfolds!

Part I of "I've Got the Sun in the Morning and the Moon at Night!..."

...And...I now have INTERNET ACCESS again!!!! Yeah!!!

To All of My Readers:

My sincere apologies for not being able to keep this blog updated more effectively over the last three months. During my time in Austin, Texas I was moving around a lot between various hosts, many of them students, and in many situations I did not have internet access. I've also had some issues here and there more generally with getting my iPad to recognize wifi transmissions so I could connect where it was available. Finally, preparing a full blog takes quite a bit more time and effort than I can squeeze in with only an hour here and there, especially when I have to use at least some of that time available for checking my e-mail, etc.

Nevertheless, I am back in Santa Barbara, CA now with a comfortable living situation and INTERNET access, and I figured it was time I posted an update here...finally!

Starting from the last weeks of July...


I began my official tour of Austin, Texas with a stop at the home of John and Eve Koonz. As I mentioned in my previous blog, John and Eve are living examples of how ordinary people are making a difference in their homes and in their own back yards.

They keep chickens, and they grow meal worms to help utilize food waste and to have protein rich snacks for the chickens. At first glance, the meal worm habitat might seem "icky", but it did not smell and it was actually quite fascinating to see the bugs going about their business.



John and Eve also dry their clothes outside, commute regularly by bicycle and/or public transportation, and, as I had the opportunity to experience very directly, they were supportive and very generous WarmShowers hosts. John was particularly helpful in planning my route to my second Austin host and even accompanied me through some of the trickier parts of that journey.

Saying Good-Bye to John Koonz in Austin, Texas

My Beverly Hills host asked me not to share pictures or her personal info on my blog. Nevertheless, I am very grateful to have experienced her hospitality and she helped me connect with Pastor Karl Gronberg of the Gethsemane Lutheran Church as well. That connection eventually led to my staying at their "Hospitality House" for a couple of nights.




From the Beverly Hills address I made a little side excursion with the Austin Sierra Club members via MeetUp. We toured the Mayfield Park well known for its Peacocks.





While staying with Austin Sullivan, I went for a hike through the Barton Springs Greenbelt along with his brother's fiancé, Kira. We mostly followed the relatively dry creek bed, and then it started to rain. Given that it was summer in Texas, it was actually a welcome shower.





On the trailhead we found a turtle. I kind of recognized it, but picked it up to take a closer look. That's when it urinated on me and the smell was all I needed to confirm that it was a "Musk Turtle"!



At my host on Beverly Hills Dr. and at Chad Greene's house, I did not have access to the internet. So to keep myself occupied while I was "resting", I selected books to read from those available to me. Since I spent so much of my young adult and adult life reading more non-fiction (and a lot of "self-help" style books), I decided to read some of the shorter classics that I've heard about but never actually read. These included War of the Worlds by H.G. Wells, Slaughterhouse Five by Kurt Vonnegut, The Little Prince by Antoine de Saint-Exupery, and The Old Man and the Sea by Ernest Hemingway.

From Chad's I had a short but Very Hot 4.5 miles or so to Anika Fassia's house. Thinking that it would be a fairly easy ride, I was not as careful as I would normally be and failed to use my damp camp towel under my helmet, and I did not have enough water either. Reaching the peak of the last of a few decent hills, I found myself growing a bit nauseous and light headed, so I pulled off to the side of the road, got onto the sidewalk/curb and rested, holding my bicycle up while I did so. At that point I was probably less than a quarter mile from Annika's house, but every time I stood up to get back on my bicycle, I started getting dizzy again. What was even more frustrating was that there was what looked like a public pool within 50 yards of the concrete retaining wall that rose up over the sidewalk behind me, and that wall was also blasting heat all around me.

Eventually I recovered enough to walk my bike across the multi-lane road to the opposite sidewalk, and down to the street where Annika lived. Even as I walked though, I was still not feeling well, so I had to stop again, within what turned out to be about 20 yards from Annika's house, and sit on the curb once more. Eventually, she and one of her housemates came out to meet me and we all walked back to the house together. All in all, it was a "lesson learned" to never take the heat for granted, no matter how short a ride might be!



One thing I noticed shortly after I got settled in the house was that it seemed Anika's guest bathroom toilette was not shutting off properly. When I helped her understand that the water was simply flowing out and through the sewer pipe, she welcomed my assistance in figuring out how to repair it. At first we tried a new flap, and then once it was clear that was not enough, and that the leaking was coming from the valve itself, we decided to replace that as well, "we" as in Anika paid for the parts and I installed them!

And here I am "modeling" the finished repairs.

Another benefit of staying with Anika was being around for the beginning of an artistic transformation of her living room fire place. Artist Stefanie Distefano was in charge.

Me and Anika at the beginning.

Stefanie at work.

The Completed Fireplace

What was particularly cool about this project was that Anika got together with all of her friends to make many of the tiles that Stefanie eventually assembled into the mosaic. Along with her friends, I appreciate the investment of energy and attention that Anika has chosen to put into her relationships, her home, and into her neighborhood and community in Austin, Texas. And I'm really glad she has chosen to be a part of the WarmShowers community as well!

From Anika's I was generously transported back to the northern part of town by Pastor Karl Gronberg of the Gethsemane Lutheran Church. I felt it was okay for me to accept his assistance since I had already covered the distance by bicycle previously, and I would be leaving on my own to travel back south in a couple of days. While staying at the church "Hospitality House" I was once again without internet, or television, but I did have access to Pastor Karl's library in the house/office next door.

One of the books I pulled from the shelves was a massive volume entitled Psychological Aspects of Pauline Theology by Gerd Theissen. On Page 9 I read: "The Bible was able to become one of the most important textbooks of human behavior and experience precisely because in it 'dominating' models recede and models that first fail, but overcome are so numerous."

In other words... It is full of UNDERDOG Stories! (Something that Paul K. Chappell also writes about in his most recent book The Art of Waging Peace....)

Boy! Did that set my mind on a tangent?!

What I have come to appreciate from reading Lila... by Robert Pirsig is that...in truth...the evolution of Life Itself is an ongoing drama of all kinds of Underdog Stories! (More specifically, the interaction of what he describes as "static" and "Dynamic" "Quality".)

The bottom line is...the actual probability of ANY of THIS existing is so remote, that for it to have all arisen the way it has means THE Underdog - i.e. Life Itself - is WINNING, beating the odds, over and over again, and...moving the process of evolution towards more and more highly evolved and adaptive organisms - including human beings, who, for all their presumed "faults" (i.e. "sins"), have the greatest capacity to Interact Dynamically with their environment(s) than any other organisms on this planet! (Although...some research is pointing a finger at viruses and bacteria that may be living out their very own "underdog stories" and using Us to help Them!)

And now we are in a stage where we are evolving our cultures to catch up with our evolving technologies. I'd say we got a little ahead of ourselves with nuclear weapons, among other things, and Now it is time to re-evaluate Why we are doing the things we Can do, with more of a moral compass for what we Should Do. Furthermore, we have a Central Nervous System - the Internet - that we never had to work with before and it is slowly but surely linking all of us as individual cells into a more coherent, Body Human, that includes more and more individual human beings.

That's a lot to be thinking about, so I'm going to pause this update for now. I will add though, that I was able to share some of these ideas at the talk I gave to the Millville Quaker Friends Meeting in Pennsylvania, and the talk was very well received. (I promise I will share more about that in a future post.)

As always, I am grateful for ALL of the different experiences I have been able to have on this, my own "Underdog Journey", and I am grateful to ALL of the people who have helped me along the way!

Please stay-tuned for "Part II" of this blog series...Coming Soon!

What Happens When You "Just Do It"?

Just Do It!

So the Nike slogan says.

As I have been "just doing it" over the last couple of years; i.e. jumping in, working things out, learning as I go, with my current cross-country bicycle journey, I have come to better understand how important that is. Granted, there is a bit of a quantum leap to be made from the idea to the action, and I appreciate how hard that can be sometimes, but, nevertheless, at some point, if you're clear on what it is you want to do, or attempt, at some point you "Just Do It!" and the most valuable part of the experience will come from everything you will learn In the Process of "Just [Doing] It!"

When I entered upon this journey, I did bring some skills to bear:

1) Being able to navigate a bicycle safely on the roads, something I learned to do in my late teens and through bicycle commuting well into my 30's after that. I also had some skills in maintaining and repairing bicycles as I worked in several bike shops over the years.

2) I know how to sew. I started sewing when I was seven years old and I worked for three different industrial sewing manufacturing companies between my late 20's and early 30's. As it turns out, I actually utilized those skills significantly in either creating my own gear, like my tent, or reinforcing the gear I had, or in making various bags and pouches to organize and store all of my gear...

...not to mention sewing many sets of "Bell's Baggy Bottoms" (and matching head-bands...) that are designed especially for riding a bicycle (or for relaxing or sleeping comfortably off of the bicycle).

3) I understand how to eat in a nutritionally efficient and cost effective way - as necessary (meaning, when I am on the road, I am more than happy to also eat pretty much whatever my hosts put in front of me, or the very rare restaurant or "fast food" meal). My "Food Basics" series of blogs goes into much more detail about my general diet preferences and practices.

4) Educational Background - I spent my last five years of college education attending the University of Maryland University College taking most of my classes on-line. I chose this university in part because it put a Heavy Emphasis on research writing; i.e. we had to do one or more research writing projects in every class. As I wanted to strengthen my own writing skills in this area, I was glad to have the added pressure from Having to do so regularly in an academic environment. Furthermore, especially in my last year, I "bulked up" on my Government, International Relations, and Political Science classes ending with an Introduction to Constitutional Law. This was in addition to a full "Social Science" curriculum including everything from Anthropology to Neuroscience. In other words, I had the background to integrate everything else that I was later to learn from the Nuclear Age Peace Foundation and from Paul K. Chappell.

5) Written and Verbal Communication Skills:

a) Journaling - In addition to the writing work I completed while in college, I have been "journaling" for over two decades now, which, I must say, has been probably one of The Most Important things I have done to develop my own "self-awareness". I consider it a form of "active meditation" in that not only does the process help me to become much more aware of my thoughts, the physical exercise of Writing Them Down almost always results in additional insights and understanding, especially if I am struggling with a particular experience, relationship, concept, or feeling.

b) Public Speaking - I participated as a member of Toastmasters International, a public speaking club, for seven years, which gave me multiple opportunities to practice not only my public speaking skills, but also my leadership skills as I acted as Vice President of Education for my club for most of those seven years.

c) Marketing and Sales Copywriting - Just prior to the end of my enlistment in the U.S. Navy, I attended two multi-day, professional seminars where I was introduced to various principles and techniques for sales copy-writing, website related development, and "search engine optimization". Unfortunately, I did not get to put all of the information I received to immediate use, and so I see this as one of the "weak spots" in my skill set. Nevertheless, I still have all of the instructional materials and when I have the time and opportunity to Focus More on those skills in particular, I am confident that I can improve.

d) General Writing Skills - Besides being a highschool student of the indominatable "Ivy Hawkins" (who, by the way, also taught my Mother when She was in highschool), I had the opportunity to attend a two day seminar at the National Institutes of Health conducted by Duke Rhetoric Professor George Gopen. The focus was on "Writing from the Reader's Perspective". Although I do not edit my writing here with a fine-tooth comb, in future writing, I will be putting much more of what I learned to good use. If you are interested in some of the basics of what George Gopen teaches, you can find more in this article: "The Science of Scientific Writing". (And don't let the title distract you too much, the principles apply well beyond the fields of science.)

e) Computer Literacy and Networking - Again, I would say I'm doing "okay" in this area, but there is definitely room for improvement. As I think I have mentioned already elsewhere in this blog, I've struggled just to get pictures to load on this "Blogger" platform using my iPad. And I certainly have not excelled in developing videos, etc., etc. So, again, given more time and focus, I'm sure I could develop those skills further.

6) Tracking and Primitive Survival Skills - In May of 2011, I attended two weeks of training in Primitive Survival Skills through Tom Brown Jr's Tracker School. It was Really Intense and loaded with useful information. Although I have not been forced into a primitive survival situation during my travels thus far, there is something to be said for having more confidence on the road - should that ever be the case.

7) Self-Discipline - I feel I need to give credit where credit is due and I owe a lot of credit to my eight years in the U.S. Navy for helping to strengthen my self-discipline and "will power". Knowing what I know now about the development of the Frontal Cortex in the first 25 years of life, and how learning more self-discipline during those years is critical to being able to practice it later in life, I really wish I had joined the military in my early 20's rather than in my early 30's as I suspect some areas of discipline might be more "second nature" to me now than they are. Nevertheless, I will continue to do the best I can in spite of what I feel now as a deficit in development of that part of my brain and one that I do not know that I can further develop or recover at this point in my life. (Questions regarding further development or recovery are ones I hope to pose at some point to Human Behavioral Biologist and Stanford Professor Robert Sapolsky.)

So these are the skills and abilities I brought to the table when it came time for me to "Just Do It!" And I have learned more along the way as I have been "Just Doing It!" I have refined my equipment load and maintenance. I have made some progress in utilizing internet networking, etc., but again, I can feel my weaknesses there.

And there is something else that is coming into play that may surprise some of my readers: In actuality...I'm a closet introvert! I honestly do not "enjoy" attracting attention to myself, although, in order to spread the message I feel needs to be spread, and in order to continue to fund this journey that I am on, I have to draw at least some attention to myself, and I have to at least let people know what my needs are so that they can support my journey if they so choose. Otherwise, the journey comes to an end - or - another "interruption" while I figure out some other way to make it work practically and financially. (For more info on this please check-out my "Please and Thank You" page.)

The last advantage/benefit from "Just Doing It" is that with each person I talk to, with each challenging argument, with each question, I have more opportunities to Practice Communicating and to let the ideas and answers come in that unique synergistic way that almost invariably results from that kind of Relating Directly With Other People. And although my internet and marketing skills may be weak, they have become stronger with my efforts thus far, and I have certainly had more ideas about how to approach marketing and fundraising even if I haven't had the wherewithall to follow through on all of them.

As I have explained to many people along this journey, I feel all of my skills and abilities, both the developed and undeveloped ones, are being called upon for me to do what I am doing right now, and it is definitely some of The Most Satisfying and Meaningful Work I have ever done in my life...as well as the most challenging! Nevertheless, I am doing what I feel "I" can do, because of the skills and abilities I have. Not everyone can do exactly what I am doing in exactly this way, but I sincerely feel that everyone is called upon to do What they CAN Do as well these days, to help make the world a better place for now and for the future of humankind and all other beings on this planet.

After "Just Doing It!" again for this past spring and summer, I may have to take another break, and "Just do..." something else for a while to re-build my energy and resources. In other words, "The Plan" is still in flux - as it has always been - and I will keep everyone updated as the details solidify.

In the mean time, I once again Thank Everyone who continues to support my efforts and the Cause of Peace! And if you are not "Just Doing It!" yourself in some way in your own life, then, maybe it is time you did?!

June 8th, 2013 Weatherford to Granbury, Texas

I pulled away from my aunt and uncle's house around 9:30 am - a relatively good start. Based on my departure times last year, anything before 10:00 am is "early" for me! I suspect the Texas heat will inevitably force me to push that time back even more, and I Will adapt as necessary although it means getting much more efficient with my pack-out routine.

The first challenge on this first day back on my bike was the gravel road connecting Ann Brown Drive to Upper Denton Road. It wasn't too bad though as the county workers had been there over the past week packing it down to prepare for future paving (sorry I just missed that). It had been a bit frustrating to my aunt and uncle as they were driving their bright red trucks through the frequently soaked and muddy gravel, getting them dirtier day by day. I even held off leaving until the weekend, when the workers would be off duty, to avoid the mud myself.

Of course, I ran into some hills pretty quickly and was off the bike pushing, and keeping a close eye on the Saturday morning traffic as it cruised past in both directions on the mostly unmarked roads. What drivers in this situation do not realize is that I can actually hear them coming from some distance away, long before I actually see them. Furthermore, I can hear the cars coming from both directions even before they can see each other.

On one particularly difficult, curving hill, I was pulled over to the side because I was hearing a vehicle (or vehicles?) but could not tell from which direction. Then I realized there were two and they were converging right about where I was. As the one approached from behind me, at the lower part of the hill, I motioned with my left hand moving up and down to signal "Slow Down..." and instead the car sped up as it swerved and raced around me only to realize, just in time, that there was a car coming over the hill from the opposite direction. The passing car honked as they went by, and I'm not sure if it was meant to be annoyance or gratitude once they realized that I was only trying to help. So, as a note, for all you drivers out there, keep in mind, if you ever see a cyclist doing that, you know, standing on the road and moving their hand up and down vertically, like they are pressing air into the ground, it means "Slow Down" - that's all. Doesn't mean you have to change lanes to pass, or anything like that, but that a little more caution and a little less speed are in order.

At the top of one of those hills, I passed a house and car I had spotted before. Only this time, the owner, Jackie, was out mowing his lawn. We stopped and chatted for a bit about my trip and then he agreed to let me take his picture.

Of course, the car caught my attention because it looked so much like my old VW Bug, and, as it turned out, it was a '72 model where mine was a '73. Furthermore, according to Jackie, it was still running, which is always good to hear.

I pushed on, sometimes on the bike, and sometimes off, until I got into the congestion of downtown Weatherford. Unfortunately, that included A Lot of construction right on the main road I needed to transit. I tried to avoid as much as I could, but there was a stretch of about a quarter mile that was between me and "freedom". With two lanes of two-way traffic squished to the left side of the road, and a concrete barrier to the right, all of that on yet another hill rising up from the intersection I had come to, there was no way I was going to get up it from there, certainly not walking/pushing my bicycle without causing some major frustration to the traffic behind me.

So instead, I crossed over into the Wal-Mart parking lot, got held up in more traffic, had to dismount my bicycle, feeling somewhat self-conscious with all of the shoppers around, and managed to nudge that troublesome left knee joint of mine out of the socket again, not severely mind you, but had to hyper-extend my leg as I have learned to do to pop it back into place. Then I continued to walk my bicycle past the entrance to the store and towards the far side of the parking lot where I stood on the sidewalk for some time trying to assess my options.

I watched as cars came up and down the nearby road, some of them seeming to come from the construction blocked area I was trying to get to. I concluded there had to be some other route around the businesses' parking lots in that area. So, continuing to walk/push my bicycle mostly against the traffic, and up hill, and then crossing into a very steep parking-lot entrance, I made my way around the front to the access road paralleling the main road, only to be faced with yet another Really Steep (but thankfully short) grade, taking me into another parking area. After catching my breath for a minute, and drinking some more fluids, I dug in and pushed, tippy-toed up the drive, praying to be seen by any oncoming traffic (which was there but, thankfully, managed to avoid me).

Once at this upper parking-lot I was level with the main road again, and could see the narrow gravel path that led back out to it through the construction. Beyond that, and heading south, I had about 20 yards of the two-way traffic, in two lanes, with the concrete barrier to the right, before reaching the lighted intersection. Watching the traffic, the light, and the construction worker watching me, I made my way out, still walking until I was finally able to position myself to cross the rather broad intersection once the light changed.

I pulled way over into the shoulder on the right side as soon as I got through, and maybe went another half-a-mile down the road before I found a gravel road that led to some shade trees where I could park my bicycle, recover for a few minutes, and call my aunt and uncle to let them know I had managed to navigate through the construction. The six miles from their house through town to where I was had taken Three Hours! And there were still more hills to come!

Nevertheless, I was finally On My Way, and relieved to be out of downtown Weatherford! I wish I'd been able to take more pictures, but my main focus was just getting past all of that!

The rest of my journey was relatively uneventful. A lot of it looked like this...

I made a few pit-stops along the way, one at the Springcreek V.F.D. where Barry graciously let me use the bathroom and re-fill my water bottles. I also made a similar pit-stop at Panchitos Mexican Restaurant, just north of Granbury, where three of my bottles were filled with ice water by one of the waitresses there. In addition to these stops, however, given that I now had the capability to prop my bicycle on the side of the road (at least in the more level areas), I was actually able to "go" where I might not have been able to "go" before, especially with a "privacy shield" provided by my green, multi-purpose, nylon cover wrapped around my waist!

(As a side note: I learned about this kind of "privacy shielding" hanging out with the Artemis Racing Team in Maryland. Almost all the women carried either a long skirt or suitably sized towel with them as they were frequently changing into or out of their riding shorts in parking-lots next to the race courses.)

Once again, having that option of safely propping my rig upright on the side of the road was proving to be Very Helpful!

Granted, I would still take advantage of a barrier here and there, like the one provided at my first major water crossing for this part of my trek, at Lake Granbury.

But it is always good to have multiple options!

The sun was getting low as I finally made my way into the town of Granbury proper...

And there were still more hills...

On the road just before my final turn-off these "Three Amigos" came galloping to the fence, curious as ever and ready to pose for their picture...

As I turned onto the street for my host's address, sure enough, there was One More Hill to climb...

And then I was "done" for the day!

My host Susan graciously welcomed me to her home and heavily shaded back patio where we settled in for some great conversations over the next couple of days.

With her husband, Terry, out of town, I had the Guest House (which also served as his "home office") to myself...

...but also filled-in as "Cook" (normally Terry's role), by preparing my "Special Egg Fried Rice" recipe for dinner the second night I was there, using the bean sprouts that I had started soaking the night before in Weatherford, and which, given the nearly perfect conditions of warmth and darkness in the pockets of my panniers, were already ready to eat.

I want to offer a special Thanks to Susan and Terry, for opening up their home and guest house/office to me, and to other cycling travelers via WarmShowers.org. Really sorry I did not get to meet Terry, as I heard great things about him from Susan. I had a wonderful time talking with Susan, telling her about the mission of the Nuclear Age Peace Foundation and all about Paul K. Chappell and his work as their Peace Leadership Director and of course his writing work to help educate people in how to more effectively "Wage Peace." We also talked a lot about the challenges of family relations and raising children. I must say, I have a lot of respect for how Susan and Terry have been living their lives together and for their Conscious Parenting! I wish them all continued Success and Happiness and I look forward to keeping in touch.

After a couple of days "recovering", enjoying good food, conversation, and accommodation, it was once again time to head on down the road, to my second stop for this trip at the more southern end of hot and hilly, Granbury, Texas...

One More Week Left in Florida!

As of this time next week, I should be heading to the bus station to begin my 24+ hour trip back to Texas. As of right now, I still need to raise at least another $100 or so just to start the trip. That leaves another $2000 or so to raise to finish it.

I have a New Page on this blog, in case you haven't noticed. I'm calling it my "Please and Thank You" page. On it I have listed, pretty explicitly, all of my "needs" and some of my "wants" for the second half of my cross-country bike trek, and I will be updating it regularly. I didn't have anything like this for the first half of my journey because I did not have the experience to know for sure what my needs were going to be, and I was still getting used to this blogger platform which has actually changed quite a bit since I first started using it. However, this time I do have that first half of the trip under my belt, so the estimates should be pretty on-target. Furthermore, I'm going to be more diligent in giving public recognition to the people who have been helping me (if they would like that). I was not as savvy about how to do that on this blog last time, but now that I have my "Please and Thank You" page, I feel I should be able to do that without too much difficulty.

For the record: This has all been an amazing Learning Process for me and although I wish I had known how to do everything from the beginning, there have been a lot of things I've had to figure out along the way instead, and I figure, that's okay, too!

Now, however, speaking of "Donations" if you would like to provide financial support for my trip, there is always the PayPal "Donate" button, and as you will see on my "Please and Thank You" page (linked in the upper part of the right-hand column), I have provided some other alternatives for sending money to me via my friend Alisa as well. There are also specific items you can purchase directly and then have them shipped to Alisa and she will then get them to me. Or...if you let me know in advance, I may be able to give you an upcoming host's address to which you may ship needed supplies. ALL types and levels of support are welcomed and appreciated!

And, speaking of Alisa...She has been so very generous to me over the last couple of months. She gave up her room to me, and I have made a mess of it with all of my boxes, etc. (which I will be clearing out this week, of course). She has been chauffering me around to and from the Christ Church Bazaar on Wednesdays, and to and from my storage unit, and of course, to get groceries. She's an awesome person and there is simply no way I could be doing what I'm doing without her support. I feel very lucky and grateful to count her as a friend.

Another person who has been particularly helpful is Mike Kieffer who manages the bazaar/flea market for Christ Church. Not only has he helped me with a free table at the market, he has offered his friendship and personal support as well, helping me to get connected with the local VFW here (and, thereby, to all of the other VFW's across the country), giving me some work to do and get paid for, and buying some of my few "man things" at the flea market. He is a wonderful man, and I have enjoyed getting to know him better as a friend during this second time around for me here in Florida.

I have one more week here before I will be taking a bus to Texas. I've chosen the bus over a plane because the price was significantly lower and, as Alisa and I agreed, it would give me more of an opportunity to meet and possibly talk with other people about my mission...which is really what this is all about! I am getting more excited about getting back on the road as I trudge through the remaining practical details I've had to handle here in Florida. Once again, I am looking at maps, e-mailing potential Warm Showers and Couch Surfing hosts, planning my route, and keeping my heart open in faith, as it has been through all of this, knowing that, things Will Work Out...one way or another! That is something else that this past year plus of experience has taught me: I have never gone hungry; I have never been without shelter; I have never been "completely broke" (although I was down to change a few times); and I am meeting so many wonderful and generous people, and learning so many life lessons from all of these experiences, I know it has been well Worth the Effort, and I am motivated to keep "efforting" as necessary to Finish what I have Started!

It continues to be an amazing adventure and I appreciate every person who has been a part of it with me as I continue to "Pedal for Peace"!

Back in Florida for "Round Three"

After a hectic but very satisfying last week in Santa Barbara, CA, I managed to get my room full of "stuff" packed up and distributed in part to my friend Eleanor's storage unit (Thanks, Eleanor!), and otherwise into my Uncle Jim's hard-sided Samsonite suitcase that I used to get from Texas to Santa Barbara (Thanks, Uncle Jim!), and another big duffle bag, the largest I could find at the K-mart store. After the long cross-country flight, I was grateful when one of the baggage attendants at the airport in Jacksonville offered to help me to the curb with my nearly 100 lbs of luggage, especially since I was also carrying my back-pack, lunch bag, and change of clothes in my "custom" clothes bag cleverly disguised as a large black trash bag with the pull-ties wrapped around the hangers! I tipped the attendant the cost of a cart, $5.00, preferring to pay him rather than the machine.

Just before leaving town, and in part because it was near the storage unit, I managed to say my last good-byes to my former co-workers at Jordano's, leaving them my business cards with this blog address as promised. Helen, for whom I had filled-in during the month of January, offered me her support with an on-the-spot cash donation for which I was very grateful. (Thanks, Helen!)

In addition to letting me borrow her bicycle while I was in Santa Barbara, letting me use some of her storage space for the clothes, etc. I needed to leave behind, and letting me borrow her kitchen on occasion to bake cookies, mix-up my stir-fry and green smoothies, Eleanor was also generous enough to chauffeur me to the LA airport. I knew I was in good hands as she was a resident of LA for a long-time and knows her way around. She also new what time we needed to leave in order to make my 10:30 am flight, so in spite of the fact that I left my belt at the security check-point and had to go back to get it (!), I still managed to board my flight on-time. (Thanks, again, Eleanor!)

With a long day prior to my departure, I thought I might keep to myself and even sleep on the plane ride, but the woman who sat in the middle seat next to me turned out to be really friendly and she was also going all the way through to Jacksonville, so we kept each other company for the entirety of the trip. She was even generous enough to treat me to a meal during our stop-over in Houston. (Thanks, Vicki, and I look forward to hearing from you soon!)

On the flight from LA to Houston, I also shared the row with Kirk Kirkland, proud father of eight-year-old Mimi Kirkland who recently played the role of "Kristen" in Safe Haven. Apparently, Mimi has something of a photographic memory for learning her lines as well as good intuition when it comes to improvising. Needless to say, I'm going to make it a point to see Safe Haven as soon as I can.

Last, but certainly not least, my friend Alisa picked me up at the airport and has once again opened her home to me as I finish the Third Round of my Sorting Through and Selling-Off My "Stuff" since early 2011 when I originally conceived of riding my bicycle across the country. (Thanks, Alisa!) I can only hope that, in this case, "three" will be a "charm" and this will be the Last Time I will have to do this to any significant degree.

To be honest, I am growing more and more comfortable with the idea of "starting over from scratch" when it comes to re-establishing myself in Santa Barbara at the end of this journey - keeping things simple, staying on a "cash" only payment plan for whatever I might need there, and continuing to use my creativity, ingenuity, and newly found willingness to exercise self-discipline by "delaying gratification" in order to meet my needs as cost-effectively as possible. Everyone speaks of the "high cost of living" in Santa Barbara, so, as they say of New York, I figure, "if I can make it there, I can make it anywhere", and I'm sure there will be much to be learned from rising to that challenge. Having lived there for the last seven months, I know of all of the Good Things I also have to look forward to, so I am willing to make the effort!

In the mean time, it's back to the trenches for me! Time to "dig through my stuff" once again, get some of it up on E-bay and Craig's List, out to the local flea market, and maybe even stage a few more yard sales here at Alisa's house. While doing all of that, I'll also be planning the second major stage of this cross-country bike trek, with some help from my friend George Throop, who has already covered the territory by foot during his ongoing Walk Across America. (Thanks, George!)

And Thanks to All of You who continue to follow this blog and offer your support in so many other ways. There has been a lot of "effort" all around and I understand what that really "means" now even more so than ever before!

Update from Santa Barbara

I know it's been a while...Hope Everyone is Enjoying a Very Happy New Year!

I am currently working a full-time temp job with Jordano's one of the largest food and beverage distribution companies on the west coast.  The family run operation has roots in the Santa Barbara community going back over 100 years, and has a well established reputation for excellence in customer service and for taking good care of their employees, many of whom have already worked there for 20+ years.  I actually feel quite privileged to be working for them, even in what is currently a temporary capacity as a front-desk switch-board operator. (And thanks to "Kevin Trudeau's Mega Memory Program" - I had the 100+ extensions of the two main consoles memorized in about three days!)

This full-time income means I may be able to finally get enough money together for that ticket back to Florida, where I can then take care of all of the rest of my household goods and - hopefully, by no later than some time in April, re-start my bicycle trip from Texas, probably Luling as that was my last "official" pit-stop before the trailer break-down on the way to New Braunfels.  I may actually ride down from Weatherford, TX, just depends on where I can stop along the way.  My goal though is to possibly pick-up cross-country walker, George Throop's path through Southern Texas - including contacts, as I am figuring if he could walk it, I should be able to bike it!

I will offer that one of the benefits of this whole life journey has certainly been to make me much more conscious of what I "need" to live day to day, or week to week. Simple things really, like, yes I need a blender if I am going to continue to make my green smoothies, but maybe it doesn't Have to Be a "Vitamix". Yes, I need a certain quantity and style of "business clothes" to get me through the work week, and I really like having a drying rack to hang those (sometimes slightly sweaty) clothes on after riding my bicycle home on a warm day. While being here in Santa Barbara, and having been generously loaned a bicycle to ride while I've been here, I now know that I can actually get around most of this area by bicycle without too much difficulty.  That was never really an option while I was living in Maryland.  I've also learned to sleep on a couch, regularly or as necessary, in all kinds of different settings, and being the particularly light sleeper that I tend to be, I'm gaining a little more confidence in my ability to "sleep anywhere", and to accommodate lights and noise as necessary.

I've also developed more confidence in my ability to adapt fairly quickly to a new community.  In this case, Santa Barbara has a great focus on community anyway, so finding a way to become a part of that was not that difficult.  Between the NAPF, Veterans for Peace, MeetUp groups, connections made through the SOLFood Festival (especially the Santa Barbara Time-Bank), the "Conscious Evolution Network", the bicycle shops - "Bici Centro" and Bicycle Bob's, and even by applying for various jobs in the area and concentrating first on temp-work, so I could get to know even more about the community through working for the various businesses here, I've readily made personal connections that have sustained and supported me - and kept me motivated to arrange things so that I could eventually settle here permanently.

Though challenging at times, both personally and practically, it has been a really great experience.  Of course the highlight has been volunteering for the NAPF, getting to know Paul Chappell better and having the opportunity to internalize a great deal for the benefit of my own writing by observing him through the last few stages of the writing process of his upcoming new book, The Art of Waging Peace (due out in July).

It has been quite a "ride" so far and I am looking forward to seeing How the Rest of My  Ride (and Life) Turns Out!

Better Yet...Let's Head Back to Florida! : )

It is so funny sometimes...what happens...and how that leads to other changes in emotion, psychology, motivation...and then a whole new realm of possibilities opens up before you! : )

In considering my trip to Missoula, MT I realized I was ready to start selling off the rest of my personal belongings - the things I left back in Florida before I headed out on my bicycle trip, including some of the more expensive items, like my Bernina Serger and my Vitamix.

In an e-mail to Paul Chappell I wrote "At the very least, I would really like you to meet my friends Jody and Roy who live in Missoula and were like a second set of adoptive parents while I lived there." And, as much as I would also like to see them myself, in writing that message I became "okay" with accepting the "very least" of that range of possibilities; i.e. Paul getting to meet them, even if I cannot make the trip. As I imagined using $500 for that, I realized there really are other things I need to be focusing on for whatever funds I can raise right now.

Finally, although I thought I had another couch-surfing host lined-up with more need for my help in selling their stuff as well, they decided it was not quite the right time in their life to do that. Nevertheless, with a little more planning and marketing on my part, I think I can turn that into a business/service by the time I get back here.

And, that leads to my next point: One thing has become perfectly clear to me while being here in Santa Barbara: This is definitely where I WANT TO BE! It's got its challenges, the cost of living being one of those, but it has a lot of opportunities as well. Furthermore, I wholeheartedly want to be able to continue working with Paul and eventually writing my own book(s?). For now though, there are some loose ends to tie up, so I need to be figuring out how I am going to go about doing that.

To start, I need to finish reducing down everything else I have in my storage unit in Florida. My goal is to be able to fit everything left into a vehicle that I can then drive across the country. I can approach that adventure much the same way I approached my bicycle trip, except this time, I can plan to line-up more speaking engagements along the way, hopefully to larger groups. Since I will be driving, that can make it much easier and safer for me to get from one location to another.

Of course, I'll be "Couch Surfing" again, maybe in different parts of the country this time. I have other friends and family through the middle states, so might be a good time to visit all of them.

As with the bicycle trip, it will be hard to tell exactly how the dates are going to work out, the storage unit in Florida has to be dealt with first and foremost, for all kinds of practical reasons. But I do know there is another NAPF Peace Leadership Workshop to come in the summer of 2013 and I Plan to Be There...again, this time also working as a facilitator.

"So, Universe...How's that sound? Am I on the right track here? : ) You know how to let me know! : ))"

I can feel myself getting all excited again! : ))

If this sounds like a good plan to YOU, then I welcome your support. I am still going to need a little money to live on here, but a plane ticket from LAX to JAX on Southwest, including the bus to LA is going to run around $290-$300. Once I get back to Jacksonville, I can start selling off whatever I have left...but a big part of that will be to raise money for a drivable vehicle, and my first few weeks of expenses.

So, any help you can offer now, would be greatly appreciated! We'll see if we can get this show back on the road! : )

Yours for Peace!

September 21, 2012 - Update

Southwest has a sale going on right now and I can get a ticket to fly out within the next month or so for $175. That plus the bus ride to Los Angeles from Santa Barbara is a total of $225, but I have to act within the next week and I have to purchase the ticket via PayPal as I do not have an active credit/debit card or bank account anymore. I have raised $90 towards that goal, so still need to raise $135.

Thanks for your support! : )

Fundraising for Trip to Missoula, MT

Just a short message to everyone reading this blog. I am trying to raise $500 to make a quick trip to Missoula, MT for a talk Paul Chappell will be giving on September, 29th.

As I used to live in Missoula many years ago (1997), it will be my first opportunity to go back there in a very long time. I've already contacted friends there, so I will have a place to stay. The funds I am trying to raise will be for travel only.

While in Missoula, and while attending the talk, I will be able to share from my personal experiences regarding my bicycle trip and what I have learned from Paul through reading his books (including having the privilege of proof reading his upcoming book "The Art of Waging Peace") and attending the Peace Leadership Workshop.

In general I am finding that the more I am able to actively communicate about peace and actually assume the disposition of peace in the company of others, the greater the impact of the message.

I would be very grateful to reconnect with this community where I lived for over seven years, especially having so much to share from the wealth of life experiences I have had since leaving the area.

If you would like to help support me for attending this special event, please consider making a donation via PayPal by using the "Donate" button at the right or selecting "Gift" directly from your PayPall account and using llbell_100 at yahoo.com for the e-mail address.

Thanks!

Hedges

So...Still here in Santa Barbara.... : )

Walking to and from the NAPF offices most days, I have come to notice how tall the hedges are around some people's houses. They've become so tall in some cases that anyone on the sidewalk can't even see the houses on the other side. In other words, the hedges have completely walled in the house.

I imagine that the hedges were not always that tall. They were probably more like the height of a picket fence when they started out, but they've kept growing taller and taller over the years, and the home owners have let them. I can imagine, maybe decades ago, neighbors actually interacting with each other from either side of those hedges, complimenting each other's homes and gardens, talking about the latest current event, or new family that's just moved in down the road.

But not now. No, I don't see how there could be any interaction at all. The tenants of these houses move from the "box" of their home, to the "box" of their car, to the "box" of their work cubicle, and back again, never having to interact with their Neighbors, the people living closest to them, at all, if they don't want to. They don't have to know that there is a poor woman living around the corner who is struggling to raise her daughter alone, and is often so frustrated that she is inclined to yell at the child rather than patiently instruct her. They don't know about the couple with the beautiful black and white Great Dane who walk past their house every day. And they don't know that one of their neighbors has taken in a temporary boarder, who also walks past their house every day on her way to the NAPF offices downtown! : )

No, those hedges have come to insulate them, protect them, from their Closest Neighbors, and even from Reality Itself.

To me, these hedges are kind of like all of our current national "defense systems" - they've just kept growing and growing over the years. Much like all of the "things" we tend to accumulate in this world, they build bigger and bigger walls between ourselves and others, and ourselves and reality, and, maybe most importantly, ourselves and the threat of change and especially the changes of death. Supposedly, they are making us more, and more "secure", but the problem is we have simply grown more and more disconnected from other people, disconnected from reality, disconnected from death. In the absence of direct, experiential knowledge, fear arises and persists.

For instance, everyone likes it when love "feels good". There's that feeling that you get when you "fall in love" - that kind of ecstatic, blissful love feeling. There's the feeling of love that people have for their children, especially when they are newborns. There is the love that may be experienced just in a moment, in the pure pleasure of an intimate encounter. There is the love that exists between close friends and close family members; that love feels comforting and consoling, and brings with it feelings of security. There is the unconditional love we feel when being charitable to another being.

But how does love feel when someone doesn't love you back? Or when someone leaves a relationship before you are ready to let go? Or when someone dies? Especially if you loved that person deeply?

That's when love does not feel so good. That's when love and loving hurts. That's when it seems safer to love things, than it is to love people. Things generally do not reject you. Things do not grow legs and walk away on their own (although, they may still be lost in other ways, they certainly do not have the power to "walk away" as much as other people do).

Sometimes, in the midst of rejection or loss, the pain of loving others can make us hesitant to ever love again; we become afraid of change, afraid of loss, afraid to ever be that vulnerable to "The Wound of Love", again.

And yet, we live in a world of Constant Change and one of the greatest changes we will experience is our own death, and prior to that, the deaths of many whom we love, both human and non-human.

To love someone means we are also vulnerable to feeling their pain as our own.

For all these reasons I think people tend to avoid loving one another.

And they build "hedges" around their homes and around their hearts.

And yet, one of the things we human beings most want to be able to do is to give and receive love.

So, that means we must overcome our fears of rejection, of loss, and of death. Most of all, death - because death is inevitable for ALL of us at one point or another.

As I have been struggling to find my own way in this world recently, essentially jobless (except for writing this blog?), and homeless, I have been counseled to look into possible VA benefits (since I am a Navy Veteran), or other social services. As I explained to one friend recently, I have philosophical issues with being supportive of or supported by the "welfare system" of this country I live in. In effect, I have become, a "non-statist", in spite of the fact that "the State" continues to exist all around me. I have acknowledged on the most fundamental level that the actual costs of being part of such an inherently violent system are far, far greater than the benefits.

Furthermore, I really, really believe that as individuals and communities we need to learn to rely on each other more voluntarily and directly rather than relying on "the government" to mediate what should be caring, mutually supportive, relationships. In effect, "the government" is yet another Very Big "Hedge", and like the hedges around some of the houses here in Santa Barbara, it has just kept Growing and Growing. But can it really ever be "Big Enough" to protect us from the reality of suffering and Death? And that applies to both the "rich" and...the rest of us!

You see, when we are not in direct contact with the people who are suffering and even dying, when we can pay our taxes and let "someone else" be there for them instead of ourselves, then we can protect ourselves from the hurt we might otherwise feel. When "the government" takes care of the poor, and the sick, the mentally ill and the aged, that means We don't have to. We don't have to suffer the very human "Wound of Love" through the empathy we might otherwise experience if We were Actually In Relationship with those people.

The problem is...so many people suffer and die, very often alone, because no matter how much we may pay in taxes, there will never be enough "other people", other "government employees" to go around to take care of those people.

But there Are Enough of US to go around For Each Other.

Part of my being on my bicycle, really outside of "the system" for the first time in my life, (and, by the way, really Free, for the first time in my life) was to conduct an experiment. I wanted to see if my friends, family, and even strangers were willing and able to support me voluntarily and directly as I undertook the mission to ride my bicycle across the country and share the message of Peace that has been so eloquently spelled out in Paul Chappell's books and embodied in the mission of the Nuclear Age Peace Foundation to rid the world of nuclear weapons.

As of right now, I can say that experiment has been partially successful. I have been officially "un-employed" for well over a year now. I was able to get about half the distance across the country by bicycle and the rest of the way by plane. However, over the last month or so, as I have indicated in previous posts, I have gotten enough support to stay here, and provide for my food, etc., but not enough to leave (i.e. fly back to Texas), or enough to consider re-starting my bike trip. It is easy to see the glass "half-empty", but I can also see it as "half-full". And I really am grateful to every person who has offered their support thus far. They are part of the "success" of my journey.

I can also feel that they are with me during this more challenging time, one that I have yet to see my way through completely.

So what needs to happen for things to change?

The way I see it, the only thing We have to do is to confront our own fears of change and death, and get to a place where we can Simply Love One Another and Take Care of One Another, Directly, and in each of those moments be vulnerable and willing to suffer The Wound of Love. As Terry Gorski said, "We have to see reality for what it is with little or no denial," and as Jesus said, we have to "...love our neighbors as ourselves."

And I will add, that means we have to start Trimming Back Our Hedges.....! : )

Which Way Do I ... Which Way do WE Go Now?

Throughout my bicycling adventure, I have always had this basic policy of "listening" to The Universe: When I have money and a clear destination established (appropriate contacts made to Couch Surf, etc.) then I know it is time to head out. If the resources are lacking, or I don't have a clear destination then I stay put until that changes.

In the last three weeks since the end of the NAPF Peace Leadership Workshop, I have been trying to raise money to return to Texas and to re-start my bicycle trip. I stayed for approximately two weeks with one couple, Gilbert and Joy, and now I am staying with another couple, Laurie and Bill. In spite of my efforts, I have not been able to raise enough money to leave the area, although I have received enough donations to get by with my basic needs for food, toilettries, and public transportation (as needed, and from my current location I can walk to and from the NAPF offices).

Just recently, I was having a conversation with my current host, Laurie, and she asked me the following question: Is riding my bicycle the most effective way for me to work for Peace?

As much as "I" would like to finish what "I've" started (and, who knows, I may Still do that at some point in the future), I have to take her question to heart. For now, at least, that seems to mean figuring out a way to continue that work here in Santa Barbara.

Through all of this period of uncertainty, I have been able to build on my working relationship with Paul Chappell and the other NAPF staff members, including the President, David Krieger, and Program Director Rick Wayman. After putting more thought into what I might be able to do by staying, I discussed those options with Paul first, and then extended that dialogue to include David and Rick. Although Paul could appreciate the direction I was going, David and Rick were more hesitant, and wanted time to think about it. More than anything else, they were concerned about my lack of stability here with my financial and especially my living circumstances.

Unfortunately, the problem for the NAPF is the same as it is for so many non-profit groups these days: Funding. But, given we are invested in a Really Uphill Struggle, against many Very Powerful Forces and many decades of "War Propaganda", that lack of funding is not surprising. The irony is that there are not a lot of resources left in this country in part because, according to a recent estimate in the New York Times, our response to the attacks of 9/11 are going to add up to over $3.3 Trillion dollars in expenses.

So...you see...it's kind of a vicious cycle. : (

But the way I'm looking at it right now...we either find a way to Wage Peace, and that means we find a way to move that struggle forward financially and practically on many fronts, or...we will keep having our resources taken from us in endless, unfounded wars ... and Really Have Nothing to Show for it when it is all said and done.

At least, if we intentionally Invest in Peace, in whatever way we can, we will have something to show for it at the end of the day, and something meaningful to pass down to the generations ahead (and even, possibly, to ourselves in future lifetimes...).

As for me, I am putting my resume's together and filling out applications for bike shops in the area, and I am going to see if I can find enough work to survive, without it taking ALL of my energy and attention. Because, if I cannot continue with the work I have already begun in terms of helping to bring Peace to the World, then I really don't see any point in being here. I know this is what I am Most Qualified to do in this Life, period. It is the most Meaningful Work I have ever done, and now that I know what that feels like, I am loathe to give it up easily.

So I will do whatever I possibly can to keep going with this, and if you want to help me, even in a small way, then I welcome your support.

NAPF Workshop, Part II - Nuclear Sleeping Pills

On the first full day of the workshop, president of the The Nuclear Age Peace Foundation, David Krieger came to speak to us. He is a very gentle and soft-spoken man, but with a strength of will and character that has served him well ever since he first refused to participate in the war in Vietnam. Although the odds were stacked against him, much as they are now, he won that struggle and I would like to think he's going to win this struggle to rid the world of nuclear weapons as well.

Although I cannot remember everything he said, what I do know is that he helped me to understand that at its core, Nuclear Deterrence theory holds No Regard for Life, whatsoever. I have concluded that the very fact that nuclear weapons exist in our world is really a testament to our general desperation and frustration with our inability to "all get along" on this planet we call "Home".

As I have now had the chance to consider this further, I feel there is something I can share from my personal experience, that might help make sense of why we still have nuclear weapons scattered all over the world.

To preface this rather personal sharing, I will acknowledge that I am making myself vulnerable here. Even though the events described below took place over 20 years ago for me, they are going to be "new and present" for my readers, and may influence opinions of me in the present as well. Though I can control what I write, I cannot control people's responses, and, since I'm pretty certain I will be writing more about my life story in the future, I have decided to just go ahead and get this part of it "out there".

I will also add though, as difficult as the experience was for me, there were many, many pivotal insights that I gained as a consequence, some I will elaborate on in near future blogs. Furthermore, I was able to process the whole experience very thoroughly shortly afterwards by having the opportunity, along with about 15-20 other women, to read Women Who Run With the Wolves by Clarissa Pinkola Estes. The fact that the experience was so "fresh" for me made Este's teachings on "recognizing predators" and making the transition from "naive innocent" to "wise innocent" (among many other things) that much more relevant and profoundly life changing for me.

Finally, as I learned from going through the workshop, and watching another attendee come forward and share authentically from his own depths parts of himself that he had otherwise kept hidden from others, I have come to appreciate that when one person does that it can often give others the courage and even the very "method" for doing the same. Hopefully, in my sharing this somewhat darker experience of my life, others will find the courage to be more open as well, if they need to. As I am fond of saying: It's good to "keep all the balls on the water" (and I'll explain more about that, in a future blog : )).

* * * * * * * *

When I was in my mid twenties, I started my first job in sewing manufacturing with a company in Montana.  I was initially assigned to work a "box-tacker" machine, and with Zen and the Art of Motor Cycle Maintenance under my belt, I developed a relationship with that machine and managed to keep it running better than anyone else in the plant ever had.

Not sure if that was the only reason, but I soon drew the attention of the owner of the company and he would come to talk with me off and on as I worked. Within a relatively short time, maybe as little as two or three weeks, he asked me if I would be interested in taking over the management position as the manager at the time was getting ready to resign due to "health problems".

Even though I had absolutely no experience in management, I accepted his offer. I had just been through a "revolution" in my approach to diet, which had raised my energy levels considerably above my previous "normal", so, as I told him: "I might not know anything about management, but I [did] know how to eat right!" The rest...I would just have to figure out as I went along.

Once I became manager, of necessity, the owner and I ended up spending more and more time together, reviewing product designs and production schedules. He had a childish awe of my creative sewing skills and I really felt I could do whatever he asked me to, in part because he had so much faith in me. As time went on, I found myself more and more attracted to him and, in spite of the fact that he was married, I let myself "fall in love with him".

As he later let me know, at least the attraction part was mutual, and on more than one occasion over the next several weeks and months, we were intimate with one another.

Looking back now, I can see how "dysfunctional" the whole relationship really was. But, at the time, I was still quite naive in spite of my age. It had really not been all that long since my mother had gone into the mental hospital. I was still "recovering" from the many years of social isolation her paranoia had imposed on both of us. More importantly though, I was still vulnerable to "predators" because of my still very deep needs for love and appreciation, especially from men.

A few weeks into our "affair", we hired a new employee, a woman even younger than myself.  She was also quite bright and a capable sewer.  What's more, though, she was very Observant, and began to pick-up on the "signs" that neither the owner nor I were discreet enough to hide.  Again, in my naiveté, I did not see what she was up to until it was too late. Before long, I started to become "old news" to my employer. He started giving less and less of his attention to me, even with respect to work issues, and more and more to her.

I was still "in love" with him though, and bent on "loving no matter what", so I began channeling all of that energy into my work, putting in more and more hours as the weeks went by. It did not cost him any more because I was on a salary, but it definitely ended up costing me.

Consequently, it wasn't very long before I started to burn out, both emotionally and physically. After a trip to Atlanta, Georgia for the "Bobbin Show"- the annual sewing manufacturer's convention, where I worked hard every day to network and establish new contacts with various suppliers - I came back hoping to take a few days off to "recover".  However, as far as my employer was concerned, my trip to the "Bobbin Show" had been a vacation for me, and so he couldn't understand why I would want or need to take any additional time off. In other words, whether it was a conscious choice on his part or not, he was not listening to me, let alone hearing me.

With mounting exhaustion and feelings of helplessness, I realized the only way I was going to get any time off was to quit, but I really did not want to do that, because I really liked the job, and I needed the job to support myself. As had been the case, and would continue to be the case for many years ahead, I did not have any "back-up" - no one else I could rely on for practical support - except myself.

So, I pushed on until, one day, in the break room, one of the other employees let me know that the new girl was out to get my position and "talking to the owner behind my back", as well as causing or suggesting  problems that she was blaming on me. It seemed they were both just waiting for me to quit.

I had a dream then. One in which I became lucid. I was being chased by a rabid beaver-like creature, on an island, out in the middle of a lake. When I realized I was dreaming, I intentionally leaped with great flying strides to the mainland, thus escaping harm.

Waking with a renewed sense of will and determination, I went to work the next day with a specially designed name-tag that read "Rocki Bellboa" - and, sure enough, when the new girl saw it, she asked me what it meant, and I told her, "It means I'm just going to keep coming back, and keep coming back, and keep coming back."  She immediately rushed to the owner's office.

Shortly thereafter, I was called there myself. The employer said that before I left he wanted me to train the new girl in my position. I was puzzled, as I had only asked, at one point, how much notice he wanted me to give him IF I decided to quit. But I had not decided to do that. He then told me if I were not going to quit, then I was "Fired"...but he still wanted me to train the new girl before I left.

I couldn't get my mind around what had happened. In something of a stupor, I carried out his request, finished my time there, and then proceeded to file for unemployment. But, I found myself spiraling rapidly into one of the deepest depressive episodes of my life. I was not only hurt emotionally, but I had lost my job, a job that was not only a source of income, but a source of great satisfaction for me because of all the creative ways I was able to express my sewing and even my innate management skills.

I felt really, really, hopeless, and helpless, and that's when I began contemplating suicide.

To that end, I eventually went to the store and bought some sleeping pills.

Once back home, I lay alone on my futon pallet bed, just wishing I could stop breathing.

It was in that state of mind and emotion that I heard a "voice in my head", and this is what it said:

"Okay, so you were able to buy the sleeping pills and nobody stopped you." I mentally agreed. "You could probably go back and buy  more if you really wanted to and no one would stop you then either." Again I agreed. "So now you know that you can take your life if you want to and, should things ever get this bad again, or worse, you can end your life any time in the future as well." Another mental nod from me. "But..." the voice continued, "...aren't you just a little bit curious to see how the rest of your life turns out?"

And, with a few moments consideration, to that question, I replied "Yes."

I carried that bottle of sleeping pills with me all the way to Santa Barbara, CA. I kept it as a reminder that my life truly was in my own hands, and I could end it any time I wanted to.  As I have explained in my recent "Why Bother?" blog, I think I have a better understanding of what the Real Consequences of ending my life might be, especially if I end it in the midst of really negative "patterning", so, for the record, I'm not inclined to be doing that. However, that does not change the fact that, in effect, I really could still "check out" any time.

And now I am beginning to think that our stockpiles of nuclear weapons are very much the same kind of "sleeping pills" for all of humanity.     

In much the same way I was struggling with my relationship with my employer, on the whole, we continue to struggle with our relationships with just about everyone, interpersonally, and globally.  Even for the people who are making headway on a small scale, the much greater issues, the truly Global Issues, seem pretty overwhelming, and many feel "helpless" and "hopeless", with no "back-up", just like I did.

Furthermore, we know now, that if it gets really bad, if diplomacy fails, if a couple of psychopathic leaders just go berserk with rage and frustration, or if only a few truly suicidal people (i.e. terrorists) ever get their hands on a nuclear weapon, then they can, in effect, pass out Big Giant Sleeping Pills to humankind, and put us all out of our misery, along with themselves, and the rest of life on this planet!

It begs the question: Why are we All Going Along With This?!?!

Why are we all (or, at least, most of us) so complacent about the fact that Our Lives and the Lives of Everything on this Planet are being effectively controlled, held in the balance, by only a handful of people? That those human beings who are in power are really not that different from the rest of us, except they are even MORE likely to be psychopaths and, therefore, even LESS Capable of caring at all about how much harm they may cause to others, both human and non-human.

Given the stockpiles of  "Nuclear Sleeping Pills" already hidden in "medicine cabinets" all over the world (and, to be honest, this includes nuclear power facilities as well), is there any good reason why we, why Anyone, should be acquiring More?!  Is there a chance, just maybe, that we can find other, less inherently Suicidal ways to satisfy our needs for security (and energy)? Can we find better ideas, more Life Respecting ideas around which we can orient our international foreign policies besides "Nuclear Deterrence" and "The Balance of Power"?

Is anyone just a little bit curious to see what the future might hold for humanity, if we can just get past this "rough patch"?

As for me...I've decided to stick around and see. Thanks to Paul K. Chappell's inspiration among other things, I have finally gotten rid of that bottle of sleeping pills. I have decided to continue to face my own personal challenges, and to grow through those, to become more and more capable of "Waging Peace" in All of my relationships by Being Peace-Full and by Communicating Peace - Fully.

Furthermore, wherever possible, I am going to continue to bring attention to What is Really at Stake in this world, as long as we do not recognize the irrational, paranoid, and basically un-empathetic nature of so many of those in power. These leaders do Not represent "Us". They do not represent the character of Most human beings to be empathetic and cooperative. As psychopaths, they are the "6%ers" at best, and the sooner we realize that, the more effective we can be at shifting the current "security paradigm". Moreover, we can Stop Giving Them the "keys" to all of the "medicine cabinets" all over the world holding all of our "Nuclear Sleeping Pills".

For now, I have Paul K. Chappell and the Nuclear Age Peace Foundation to thank for giving me more tools to help me in that struggle, and for giving me the motivation to share what I have learned with others, here, and as I continue my bike trek across the country.

To that end, I am going to stay Hope Full AND Curious...and I Hope You Will, Too! : ))